Poem 41 for 2023

by fernandoafunes

Poem 41 for 2023

Poem 41

Everytime I go to this
Hole in the wall in Costa Mesa
I time travel to my youth

I use to live in
Airplane mode
I miss the days
Where every day
I was incognito

I miss the days of
Anonymity
Of slinking around
Thrift stores
Before hipster demand
Jacked up the prices

I miss picking a CD
For the day’s drive
Which eventually became
The week’s drive
Melting into one long
Undetermined pitch of time
Where Fall and Summer
Just clumped together
Into one mega season
Only SoCal could provide

I miss talking on house phones
With my girl
I miss hearing the phone ring
Getting the feeling it was her
Picking up the phone
And hearing her voice
“Fernando!”

I miss talking to her
About whatever
I miss driving around with her
And just finding a reason to be
Around each other
So we’d go to a bookstore
And she always took me
Because she knew I loved books

I got a badass new car now
And I’m bummed
I can’t take her for a ride
Because I just miss
Being next to her
And just being at peace
While being anxious
What the next turn would hold

Now I’m a freaking pirate captain
With a flotilla of ships
And a ledger full of
Adventures and expeditions
Being absent is a luxury
I no longer posses

I’ve become the clown prince
My younger me
So desperately wanted to be me
Yet I still lament

All I have now
Are the memories
Of a simpler time
When a better me
Tried his best to become a man

I feel like I fail him every day
Just a little bit
He had it so hard
With so very little
But he made due and then some

I miss who I was
But who I am now
Is bigger than I ever imagined
And who I’m becoming
Is even crazier to conceive

I posses power and skills now
Not to mention wisdom
And stillness
That a younger me
Would be overwhelmed by

It’s too late to go back
But I’ll always keep
That Fernando in my heart
And do right by his sacrifice
By living my best life possible
Which is a chance
Not everyone gets

41.2023 #poem #identity #clown #memory #past #love #burrito #youth #teenage #OC #orangecounty