Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61

I wonder if I’m good at
Attracting disrespect

I had a friend
Not from LA
Tell me once
You’re good at playing low status
And my immediate thought was
You are racist*
But maybe I gave her every reason to
Make that statement

*On the real though
Living in LA (well walking in LA)
It’s crazy to see
How some of these people
Not from LA
Treat the help
So when you look like the help
They’re going to treat you like
The help
And how you treat the help
Says a lot about who you are
And I will freaking judge you for it

And let’s be clear
You all know who I’m talking about
When I’m talking about the help

And you know what
I am the help
Because I came from the help
And I’ve lived and worked with the help
I just went to college
Where I learned how to be “Articulate”
Which for people
Not from LA
Is like seeing a monkey talk*

*When I saw
Conquest Of The Planet Apes as a kid
(1972, directed by J.Lee Thompson)
And Caesar led the ape revolution
After seeing his people
Get treated as animal slaves
I was like I get it*

*Would that happen here and now
They don’t educate us enough
Us being the help
To make us aware of
How much we’ve been oppressed
But they make the effort
To say they tried
But trying isn’t the same as succeeding
But if the revolution comes
Like in Conquest Of The Planet of the apes
(And don’t worry people it won’t)
Y’all will be like
Well we tried!

Well back to my friend
Maybe a lifetime of learning how to be
Friendly and docile in order to not invite violence
From people around me
Or to make others feel like
I won’t visit violence upon them
Because of how I look
And their unconscious biases
About people who look like me
Big and brown and from the hood
(Not the help, but are siblings, the statistics)
Reads as low status

Disrespect is also about knowing your place
And as the help you should know your place
But even though I am not the help
I am descended from the help
And I will not tolerate disrespect
As I am articulate
Listen Not from LA folk
Treat me as you would
A chimpanzee reciting Shakespeare
Witness and awe: respect me

61.2024 #poem #disrespect #lowstatus #thehelp #LA #brown #immigrant #planetoftheapes #respect

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61

I wonder if I’m good at
Attracting disrespect

I had a friend
Not from LA
Tell me once
You’re good at playing low status
And my immediate thought was
You are racist*
But maybe I gave her every reason to
Make that statement

*On the real though
Living in LA (well walking in LA)
It’s crazy to see
How some of these people
Not from LA
Treat the help
So when you look like the help
They’re going to treat you like
The help
And how you treat the help
Says a lot about who you are
And I will freaking judge you for it

And let’s be clear
You all know who I’m talking about
When I’m talking about the help

And you know what
I am the help
Because I came from the help
And I’ve lived and worked with the help
I just went to college
Where I learned how to be “Articulate”
Which for people
Not from LA
Is like seeing a monkey talk*

*When I saw
Conquest Of The Planet Apes as a kid
(1972, directed by J.Lee Thompson)
And Caesar led the ape revolution
After seeing his people
Get treated as animal slaves
I was like I get it*

*Would that happen here and now
They don’t educate us enough
Us being the help
To make us aware of
How much we’ve been oppressed
But they make the effort
To say they tried
But trying isn’t the same as succeeding
But if the revolution comes
Like in Conquest Of The Planet of the apes
(And don’t worry people it won’t)
Y’all will be like
Well we tried!

Well back to my friend
Maybe a lifetime of learning how to be
Friendly and docile in order to not invite violence
From people around me
Or to make others feel like
I won’t visit violence upon them
Because of how I look
And their unconscious biases
About people who look like me
Big and brown and from the hood
(Not the help, but are siblings, the statistics)
Reads as low status

Disrespect is also about knowing your place
And as the help you should know your place
But even though I am not the help
I am descended from the help
And I will not tolerate disrespect
As I am articulate
Listen Not from LA folk
Treat me as you would
A chimpanzee reciting Shakespeare
Witness and awe: respect me

61.2024 #poem #disrespect #lowstatus #thehelp #LA #brown #immigrant #planetoftheapes #respect

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47

Look man, here’s how
You’re going to make it
As an improviser

1. Be everyone’s biggest fan

2. Try to be cool with everyone

*Cool meaning
Kind and respectful
And not striving
To be a status seeker
That marginalizes others

3. Don’t let cliques get to you
They only have power in the spaces
Where their status is acknowledged

And outside of those spaces
They’re either defrauded as
Antisocial weirdos
People who are only funny in their one space
Or as people no one knows

4. Be nice to everyone

5. Be extra nice to the people
Who are the easiest to push aside

6. And don’t forget to be nice to yourself

7. Disrespect is going to happen
But don’t let it get to you
Disrespect always reflects more
Of the person giving it
Than the person receiving it

8. Never delude yourself
That this is all just
A big game of make believe
And an excuse to be a child again
And exercise your imagination

What I mean is
Don’t get a big head
Check your ego at the door
And be a team player

Most of the problems
I’ve seen in improv communities
Are problems of welcoming
And inclusion
And of people
Never feeling fully embraced
While constantly being encouraged
To participate more

9. Our communities run on
An economy of status

We defer to teachers, coaches
And good performers
As if they are somehow
Better people for their virtue for
Being good at improv

But that’s not always the case
And it puts an undue burden
On those people to be something
They never asked to be
It’s an adults version of
The popular kids in high school

But some people want it
Crave it, are elevated by it
Can’t live without it
And sometimes abuse it
I know I’ve committed
Some of these improv sins

10. Remind yourself
That you ain’t shit
No one owes you anything
People will treat you
How you treat them

11. I don’t know what it is
About this dumb art form
And fooling people
Into thinking they are
Better than others
All this shit does not matter

12. Have fun

13. If you’re not having fun
Stop doing it

I write about all these things to
A. remind myself not to do them (because I have)
And B. to remember how it feels to be someone
Who has been made to feel less than

47.2024 #improv #community

Poem 42 for 2024

Poem 42 for 2024

Poem 42

I’m giving up on the idea of love
Because I feel it’s too late for me
To have a late 90’s
Freddy Prince Jr type
Rom-Com
Whirlwind love affair
Just dripping with high school energy
And three act story structure closure

But according to everyone (I guess)
This is the exact moment
When I will be the most vulnerable
To falling in love

Only problem is
This isn’t the late 90’s
And I’m not Freddy Prince Jr
In his prime

I’m me in the now
And the me in the now
Is a huge underdog
Which according
To Rom-Com rules
Makes it for me to have a
Crazy love affair
On the horizon
With someone way out of my league

I have come to accept that fact
That I’m a boring workaholic
Who is losing touch
With his abilities to empathize
And is therefore heading
Into the direction of
A cynical curmudgeon

I never saw a Freddy Prince Jr movie
Where he played a boring workaholic/
Cynical curmudgeon
Losing touch with his ability to care for people
But I’m sure if he did now
He’d get an Oscar because it’s so out of type for him

Love is hard, overrated, and expensive
And did I mention fake?

The premise of many Rom-Coms
Is passing yourself off
As something you’re not
To lure the object of your affection
Into your orbit and trick them
Into falling in love with your assumed persona
Than the actual you
Which they will eventually fall in love
Once the ruse is up
Because it was you all along
They were falling in love with

That’s a lot of work, man
I’m getting too old for this shit

I can’t put up a front either
I’m becoming hardened
I’m thinking about picking up smoking
And shooting whiskey to go with
My jaded aesthetic

I just have to face it:
I’m not a Freddy Prince Jr Rom-Com archetype

I’m more of a
Clive Owens in Children of Men type
I’m here to save mankind
By saving just one person archetype

I’m giving up on love
But I guess (story wise)
Love isn’t giving up on me

Now who am I going to rescue
In order to save me from myself?
Service and sacrifice for others
The only path to redemption
Maybe one day
I’ll let someone love me enough
So that I love myself back as gratitude

42.2024 #poem #love #romcom #romance #relationships #freddyprincejr

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38

Part of being assimilated
Is accepting how I am also
Complicit in the appropriation
Of other marginalized groups’ cultures
In the purchasing of
Americanized clones of
Their traditional products
Which the Yankee version I buy
(I imagine/can imagine/I empathize/can empathize)
Must pale in comparison
To the original

That being said
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Is pretty damned good

It’s freaky delicious, actually

I can drink it instead of coffee
Not as a substitute
When I’m out of coffee
But as an active choice
Where I prefer Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Over coffee

It’s crisp, refreshing
Spicy without being hot
Or overbearing
But spicy as in
I can taste the cinnamon
And the other ingredients
And once you add milk
A whole level of flavor
Is unlocked

But that begs the question…
Is Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
The Taco Bell of
Chai Teas?

And no not McDonald’s
Or Carl’s Jr or Chipotle
But Taco Bell

Why Taco Bell?
Because Taco Bell
Is built on appropriation
But it’s wildly popular
With everybody

And the fact that it’s
Bastardized Mexican food
Doesn’t bother anyone
In fact, it’s an inside joke
That turns the experience
Into a guilty pleasure
For those who are even aware
Of the link between Taco Bell
And real Mexican food

Because of its wild spread adoption
(They always have it in stock)
I have to conclude that
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai is indeed
The Taco Bell of Chai Teas

Aha! Eureka an insight!
I just realized that
Trader Joe’s business model
Is built on the appropriation
Of other cultures
Brown ones especially
So we can say that Trader Joe’s
Is the Taco Bell of groceries

And like Taco Bell
No one cares
That all the products are
Toned down versions
(Well maybe not all of them)
of the authentic, exotic ones
To fit the tastes of the American palette
(Not the brown American palette)
Which is what matters
If it tastes good, seems healthy, and cheap
Why question it

Now does that mean
I’m a hypocrite sellout fascist
Every time I go to Trader Joe’s
To get Spiced Chai?
No/Maybe/Who cares?
That’s just living in America

38.2024 #poem #chaitea #appropriation #tacobell #marginilized #assimilation #traderjoes #thesis #culturecritic #orientalism

Poem 30 for 2024

Poem 30 for 2024

Poem 30

I’ve been experiencing
So much Deja Vu lately
You think I’d be in a
Christoph Nolan film
Without the big Hollywood budget
And critical acclaim from
The New York Times

The Chicago Sun-Times said
Way more full frontal nudity
Than I expected
But now I can’t imagine
The picture without it

I didn’t take enough
Hard science classes in college or HS
To justify a Christopher Nolan plot or
Christopher Nolan esteem
That feeling of
Walking away feeling smarter
After watching one of his films
Even if you didn’t understand half of it

I did mostly history and political science
So maybe a time displacement film
By Ridley Scott
Where’s the science is vaguely addressed
And everyone takes it on faith
That time travel is a thing
My love interest can be Selena Gomez
Because we’re ethnically aligned
And we can corner the Latino market
On opening weekend

This is sounding more and more like
A time travel comedy
So let’s get rid of Ridley Scott
And let’s bring in the guy
That directed The Wedding Singer

Okay, so now it’s a
Time Travel Romantic Comedy
Starring me and Selena Gomez
Directed by Frank Coraci
With a run time of 101 minutes
Victor Bryan Olivas
Can play my best friend
Who’s a borderline offensive
Redneck cholo
With a heart of gold

Because Deja Vu
Is the central theme of this movie
And an underlying theory of Deja Vu
Is that you and a parallel version of you
Are experiencing the same moment
The movie can be about
The multiple ways the multiverse
Of Selena Gomez’s character and my character
Fall in love at the exact right time
Or do not fall in love at the wrong time

With the ending being in the beginning
And leaving no questions unanswered
The film will be cheesey and sentimental
And not be nominated for any Academy Awards
But it will make boat loads of money
Spawning other whimsical comedies
That do not require a lot of math to understand
And that all seem vaguely connected
With no deeper thought put into it

Drafting this fake movie plot
Is the only comfort
I’ve been able to give myself
Since I’ve started to experience
Repeated Deja Vu
I hope you liked it

30.2023 #poem #dejavu #comedy #satire #movie #film #christophernolan #adamsandler

Poem 24 for 2024

Poem 24 for 2024

Poem 24

Do you remember
The Garnier Fructis
Marketing launch campaign
Back in the early 2000s?

They just looped the intro
Of “Diamonds and Guns”
From The Transplants
With a smooth female VO
And tons of cool shots
Of young, hip (Re: sexy) people
Living for the love
Of Garnier Fructis Shampoo and conditioner
Which I guess if you used with friends
Led to some hanky panky
With someone of equal attraction

I don’t know what sold
More Transplants albums
These commercials
Young millennials were bombarded with
The music video always playing on MTV
Or KROQ playing them
Once an hour for 2.5 years*

Remember
We didn’t have streaming
We were at the whims
Of our programmers
And limited CD collections
Which served as a
Teenage Rorschach Test*
When revealed to friends

Note to Self:
Build a time machine
And start an emo band in 2003
Called Teenage Rorschach Test
All the songs can be
Watchmen references

In memory
These two things
Diamonds and Guns
And Garnier Fructis
Exist as one:
Is that what they call synergy
When one product sells the other
And vice versa?

Synergy is one of those words
You better know how to use
In the right context
At the exact right moment
In front of a warm audience
(Timing, baby)

If not
If you just throw it around
To sound smart and important
You’ll just come off
Sounding like a pretentious deuce

I mean it worked
The synergy was real
I bought Garnier Fructis
Used it once
And never thought about it again
I used it exclusively in Brazil though
Because I was like
I know this product
And I don’t want to think about it

But did Garnier Fructis
Maintain its cultural momentum
Beyond gaining a foothold
In the millennial psyche in 2003
To become a house hold brand
Firmly rooted in the minds of
Consumers 18-64 post the GW Bush Administration?

I mean I guess
They sell it at Target
But now when I see it
It just reminds me
That I’m no longer a teenager

Plus, Head and Shoulders, man
They’re ad team knows how to
Market to everyone
While not making anyone feel like
Their time has passed
That’s what I use now: Head and Shoulders
I grew up

24.2024 #poem #satire #humor #chuckklosterman #millenial #garnierfructis #culturecritic

Poem 21 for 2023

Poem 21 for 2024

Poem 21

I wish I had
A cool nick name
Like Pepper Jack
But my name’s already Fernando
Which is wild enough
For most people to remember
On their first time meeting me
Even in Latin America
Maybe I’m the wild one
Worth remembering
And Fernando is
Just the tag that goes along with it

21.2023 #poem #food #name #identity

Poem 19 for 2024

Poem 19 for 2024

Poem 19

I don’t pretend to be
Something I’m not

Yeah, I make a cake
Out of a box

I’m not perfect, you know
I’m just trying to save time

Only God can judge me
You know what I mean?

I made a whole ass
Carrot Cake from scratch once
With like 30 carrots

It took 3 hours and lots of focus
And it wasn’t too bad

But I’d still rather buy one
From a bomb bakery

There a fine distinction
Between being labeled lazy
And being applauded
For using a hack

Talk about a two face word

A hack in the comedy world
Is a lazy comic
Who never writes new material
And keeps doing the same set

A hack in the tech bro marketing world
Is a time saving/money saving shortcut
That makes you seem
More competent than you are
When used correctly

I don’t know
If there’s a stigma
For making a cake
Out of a box
But someone
Gave me shit for it once
After eating my delicious cake
And I never let it go

I know: petty

But you know what?
F being the bigger person

Do you know why?
Because when you’re
The bigger person
People are like
Oh he won’t mind
Because he has so much honor

Meanwhile, the real petty ones
I’m just going to call them petites
Will hold onto a grudge
Till the day they die
Then die, reincarnate, find you again
And carry their past life grudge
Into whoever you reincarnated into

I swear to God:
My rogues gallery is full of petites
Who hate me
Or people I have genuine disagreements
Because of values clashes

Maybe the petites and I
Have values clashes as well
Because they’re pissed
I don’t uphold being petty
As much as they do

Ah the ego: the source of so many problems

To be petty
Or not to be petty
That is the question
Whether tis nobler in the mind
To suffer the quiet burn of shade
Or to rise up in a sea of sarcasm
And subtle rage and out petty the petite

I’m not petty
But I’m like the Hulk
Don’t make me petty
You wouldn’t like me when I’m petty

I don’t like me either
When I’m petty
So I try not to be it
Some people just push my buttons
Like that guy
Who gave me shit
For making a cake out of a box

The antidote for this
Is just being kind and nonjudgmental
So being the bigger person
Who cares? Be petty.

19.2024 #poem #petty #humor #cake #satire

Poem 6 for 2023

Poem 6 for 2023

Poem 6

In improv
We say
Got your back
Before a show
To show support

Well few people
Have had my back
Like you, brother

You’ve literally
Fed me
And sheltered me
And counseled me

You’ve been with me
On top of the mountain
And you’ve walked through
Many valleys with me

You’re one of
The funniest dudes I know
One of the hardest workers
A problem solver
And innovator
And just an overall great guy
A man of passion
And integrity
And character
And immese creativity

Thanks for always being there
And having my back

Love you, brother

Happy Birthday
Victor Bryan Olivas

#improv