Poem 68 for 2024

Poem 68 for 2024

Poem 68

The beauty of
An awkward moment
Is that you don’t know
When it will happen
But you’ll remember it
For the rest of your life
That’s probably why
I’m a comedian

68.2014

#poem #awkward

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61

I wonder if I’m good at
Attracting disrespect

I had a friend
Not from LA
Tell me once
You’re good at playing low status
And my immediate thought was
You are racist*
But maybe I gave her every reason to
Make that statement

*On the real though
Living in LA (well walking in LA)
It’s crazy to see
How some of these people
Not from LA
Treat the help
So when you look like the help
They’re going to treat you like
The help
And how you treat the help
Says a lot about who you are
And I will freaking judge you for it

And let’s be clear
You all know who I’m talking about
When I’m talking about the help

And you know what
I am the help
Because I came from the help
And I’ve lived and worked with the help
I just went to college
Where I learned how to be “Articulate”
Which for people
Not from LA
Is like seeing a monkey talk*

*When I saw
Conquest Of The Planet Apes as a kid
(1972, directed by J.Lee Thompson)
And Caesar led the ape revolution
After seeing his people
Get treated as animal slaves
I was like I get it*

*Would that happen here and now
They don’t educate us enough
Us being the help
To make us aware of
How much we’ve been oppressed
But they make the effort
To say they tried
But trying isn’t the same as succeeding
But if the revolution comes
Like in Conquest Of The Planet of the apes
(And don’t worry people it won’t)
Y’all will be like
Well we tried!

Well back to my friend
Maybe a lifetime of learning how to be
Friendly and docile in order to not invite violence
From people around me
Or to make others feel like
I won’t visit violence upon them
Because of how I look
And their unconscious biases
About people who look like me
Big and brown and from the hood
(Not the help, but are siblings, the statistics)
Reads as low status

Disrespect is also about knowing your place
And as the help you should know your place
But even though I am not the help
I am descended from the help
And I will not tolerate disrespect
As I am articulate
Listen Not from LA folk
Treat me as you would
A chimpanzee reciting Shakespeare
Witness and awe: respect me

61.2024 #poem #disrespect #lowstatus #thehelp #LA #brown #immigrant #planetoftheapes #respect

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61 for 2024

Poem 61

I wonder if I’m good at
Attracting disrespect

I had a friend
Not from LA
Tell me once
You’re good at playing low status
And my immediate thought was
You are racist*
But maybe I gave her every reason to
Make that statement

*On the real though
Living in LA (well walking in LA)
It’s crazy to see
How some of these people
Not from LA
Treat the help
So when you look like the help
They’re going to treat you like
The help
And how you treat the help
Says a lot about who you are
And I will freaking judge you for it

And let’s be clear
You all know who I’m talking about
When I’m talking about the help

And you know what
I am the help
Because I came from the help
And I’ve lived and worked with the help
I just went to college
Where I learned how to be “Articulate”
Which for people
Not from LA
Is like seeing a monkey talk*

*When I saw
Conquest Of The Planet Apes as a kid
(1972, directed by J.Lee Thompson)
And Caesar led the ape revolution
After seeing his people
Get treated as animal slaves
I was like I get it*

*Would that happen here and now
They don’t educate us enough
Us being the help
To make us aware of
How much we’ve been oppressed
But they make the effort
To say they tried
But trying isn’t the same as succeeding
But if the revolution comes
Like in Conquest Of The Planet of the apes
(And don’t worry people it won’t)
Y’all will be like
Well we tried!

Well back to my friend
Maybe a lifetime of learning how to be
Friendly and docile in order to not invite violence
From people around me
Or to make others feel like
I won’t visit violence upon them
Because of how I look
And their unconscious biases
About people who look like me
Big and brown and from the hood
(Not the help, but are siblings, the statistics)
Reads as low status

Disrespect is also about knowing your place
And as the help you should know your place
But even though I am not the help
I am descended from the help
And I will not tolerate disrespect
As I am articulate
Listen Not from LA folk
Treat me as you would
A chimpanzee reciting Shakespeare
Witness and awe: respect me

61.2024 #poem #disrespect #lowstatus #thehelp #LA #brown #immigrant #planetoftheapes #respect

Poem 55 for 2024

Poem 55 for 2024

Poem 55

We as consumers have to get more savvy
As Wendy’s rolls outs
Surge Pricing in 2025
Because they they think they’re Uber
And want to junk their brand equity
For more money in the short term

Here’s How We Beat Wendy’s Cynical Cash Grab

1. Start an alternative restaurant called Wendi’s with an “i” and give them all our money.

2. Order 300 hamburgers and at the last second change your mind. Or better yet, buy 300 hamburgers when the price is low, hold onto them, and then sell them when demand is high, beating Wendy’s at their own game.

3. In fact, this is how Wendi’s with an “i” gets it’s start.

4. It’s a third party app that tells you where you can buy aftermarket Wendy’s burgers for below market value and just above it’s original MSRP. It’ll start off as mobile food vendors.

5. The app can direct third party sellers to different Wendy’s locations during peak hours to provide cheaper-but-still-the-same Wendi’s with an “i” hamburgers to starving Wendy’s with a “y” customers

6. Wendi’s with an “i” launches a podcast that keeps its third party sellers up to date on best practices and which Wendy’s locations are best for buying and selling hamburgers from.

7. Wendi’s with an “i” starts running targeted ads on YouTube and Facebook to let new people know about this fast and easy money making opportunity.

8. Although OG Wendy’s will try to crack down on new Wendi’s by invoking food safety laws, ingenious sellers will find a loophole for listing aftermarket food without legal ramifications.

9. Wendy’s with a “y” will cease to operate as we know it and will instead become a distribution hub for all the Wendi’s with an “i” third party sellers.

10. Wendy’s with a “y” franchise owners will become Wendi’s with an “i” third party sellers (in essence, becoming their own distributors) so that they no longer have to compete with Wendi’s third party sellers for hyper localized market share, and someone will oust the CEO after realizing that you can’t run a fast food company l like a tech company.

11. In the interim, McDonald will just get bigger because of all the amazing deals in its app

55.2025 #poem #wendys #surgepricing #satire #tech

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47

Look man, here’s how
You’re going to make it
As an improviser

1. Be everyone’s biggest fan

2. Try to be cool with everyone

*Cool meaning
Kind and respectful
And not striving
To be a status seeker
That marginalizes others

3. Don’t let cliques get to you
They only have power in the spaces
Where their status is acknowledged

And outside of those spaces
They’re either defrauded as
Antisocial weirdos
People who are only funny in their one space
Or as people no one knows

4. Be nice to everyone

5. Be extra nice to the people
Who are the easiest to push aside

6. And don’t forget to be nice to yourself

7. Disrespect is going to happen
But don’t let it get to you
Disrespect always reflects more
Of the person giving it
Than the person receiving it

8. Never delude yourself
That this is all just
A big game of make believe
And an excuse to be a child again
And exercise your imagination

What I mean is
Don’t get a big head
Check your ego at the door
And be a team player

Most of the problems
I’ve seen in improv communities
Are problems of welcoming
And inclusion
And of people
Never feeling fully embraced
While constantly being encouraged
To participate more

9. Our communities run on
An economy of status

We defer to teachers, coaches
And good performers
As if they are somehow
Better people for their virtue for
Being good at improv

But that’s not always the case
And it puts an undue burden
On those people to be something
They never asked to be
It’s an adults version of
The popular kids in high school

But some people want it
Crave it, are elevated by it
Can’t live without it
And sometimes abuse it
I know I’ve committed
Some of these improv sins

10. Remind yourself
That you ain’t shit
No one owes you anything
People will treat you
How you treat them

11. I don’t know what it is
About this dumb art form
And fooling people
Into thinking they are
Better than others
All this shit does not matter

12. Have fun

13. If you’re not having fun
Stop doing it

I write about all these things to
A. remind myself not to do them (because I have)
And B. to remember how it feels to be someone
Who has been made to feel less than

47.2024 #improv #community

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38

Part of being assimilated
Is accepting how I am also
Complicit in the appropriation
Of other marginalized groups’ cultures
In the purchasing of
Americanized clones of
Their traditional products
Which the Yankee version I buy
(I imagine/can imagine/I empathize/can empathize)
Must pale in comparison
To the original

That being said
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Is pretty damned good

It’s freaky delicious, actually

I can drink it instead of coffee
Not as a substitute
When I’m out of coffee
But as an active choice
Where I prefer Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Over coffee

It’s crisp, refreshing
Spicy without being hot
Or overbearing
But spicy as in
I can taste the cinnamon
And the other ingredients
And once you add milk
A whole level of flavor
Is unlocked

But that begs the question…
Is Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
The Taco Bell of
Chai Teas?

And no not McDonald’s
Or Carl’s Jr or Chipotle
But Taco Bell

Why Taco Bell?
Because Taco Bell
Is built on appropriation
But it’s wildly popular
With everybody

And the fact that it’s
Bastardized Mexican food
Doesn’t bother anyone
In fact, it’s an inside joke
That turns the experience
Into a guilty pleasure
For those who are even aware
Of the link between Taco Bell
And real Mexican food

Because of its wild spread adoption
(They always have it in stock)
I have to conclude that
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai is indeed
The Taco Bell of Chai Teas

Aha! Eureka an insight!
I just realized that
Trader Joe’s business model
Is built on the appropriation
Of other cultures
Brown ones especially
So we can say that Trader Joe’s
Is the Taco Bell of groceries

And like Taco Bell
No one cares
That all the products are
Toned down versions
(Well maybe not all of them)
of the authentic, exotic ones
To fit the tastes of the American palette
(Not the brown American palette)
Which is what matters
If it tastes good, seems healthy, and cheap
Why question it

Now does that mean
I’m a hypocrite sellout fascist
Every time I go to Trader Joe’s
To get Spiced Chai?
No/Maybe/Who cares?
That’s just living in America

38.2024 #poem #chaitea #appropriation #tacobell #marginilized #assimilation #traderjoes #thesis #culturecritic #orientalism

Poem 27 for 2024

Poem 24 for 2024

Poem 27 for 2024

Like Campbell’s Tomato Soup
I also come in a condensed version
That you need to add water
Sometimes milk
To get the full volume
And I’m also improved
By having cheddar
Sprinkled on me when warm
And I’m best consumed
Before I get cold

27.2024 #poem #tomatosoup #humor

Poem 26 for 2023 – Blind Date with Me

Poem 26 for 2024

Poem 26

Blind Date with Me

I’m New Ethnic
It’s like New Money
But for people
Not from Europe
Colonized by people
From Europe

My short term
And long term goals
Are not to die
Preferably not die alone
(That’s why I’m on this app)

I’m emotionally unavailable
But NOT the kind of
Emotionally unavailable
Who is emotionally abusive
I’m the kind
Who struggles to be loved
So don’t love bomb me!
Ignore me
And I’ll get closer

The more you neglect me
The more I’ll chase you
Or is that what I do to others?

I have an avoidant attachment
So I interpret distance as intimacy
And wanting to get closer
As crossing my boundaries

I don’t care
About your body count
Or your exes
Or your side pieces
Or situationships
Or your hangups
Because caring for someone else
In that romantic capacity
Is really hard right now

This whole dating app experiment
Is an exercise to see
If it’s still possible to love

I’m vaccinated
I’m open to polyamory
If it’ll get you to leave me alone

I don’t want to meet your friends
For the fact that I’m not interested
In meeting them once
Putting on a front
Never seeing them again
And then having to pretend
I don’t know who they are
If I see them in public
In the future when we’re not dating

I’m going to waste your time
But you’ll for sure get a story
Maybe something to share
With your therapist
Not a traumatic one
But another example of your failure
Caused by my failure
To connect, feel, and love

The good news is after me
You’ll find someone you really like
Because next to my
Rubix Cube personality
Any other guy will seem amazing

I’m weird in ways
That are not endearing
Yet pitiful in a way that is charming
And admirable in a way
That is disarming

You’re going to like me (a lot)
That’s why you’re going to be disappointed
When you find out you can’t love me
Not because you’re unable to
But because I won’t let you love me

I’m a broken kaleidoscope
A cracked rainbow
A crescent moon wanting to be full
I’m not whole
Because the holes inside of me
Is where the wind passed by
To make music
It’s just that my being
Sings a sad, sad song

If you ask me out to dinner
You pay

26.2024 #poem #blinddate #humor #satire #love