Poem 72 for 2024

Poem 72 for 2024

Poem 72

I like how
We’ve replaced the word
Patterns
With the word
Algorithms

It’s like patterns
Show me who I am

And algorithms
Tell me who I am

I don’t know if
I always like
My algorithms though
My YouTube algorithm specifically

Sometimes it suggests things
That make me uncomfortable
But which it believes
I will enjoy

Here’s a video of
Something dude playing bass
Which I like because I play bass

Followed by a ferrier
Trimming a horse’s hoove
Which is oddly soothing

Followed by an ad
For Better Health
Which are surprisingly
Culturally sensitive
While being personally invasive
Kinda like those
Targeted daytime TV ads
Back in the day
For unemployed people
Watching Maury Povich
On their mom’s couch

Followed by an ad
For a mushroom based
Antidepressant alternative
For people struggling to self actualize
Because of their ADHD
And not because of capitalism

It seems my YouTube algorithm
Thanks I need therapy
For my broken soul
And watered down psychedelics
For my addled brain*

*Damn, I just got why they call it Adderall

Followed by a video of
Job fails and OSHA violations
Which are tragicomic
And get sadder
The deeper you think about it
But I’m going to binge it

Capped by a video
Of some guy sniping rats
On his farm
Which I don’t watch
But am bothered
That it was suggested to me

How do I hack
My YouTube algorithm
Which arguably knows me
Better than I know myself
To NOT suggest videos
Of some guy in Oklahoma
Sniping rats with night vision

I literally have to go watch
A bunch of random videos
In other categories
To recalibrate my YouTube algorithm
To not show me stuff like that

I know about breaking patterns
But how do I break my YouTube algorithm
Which clearly believes
I’m the kind of person
Who has latent fascist tendencies

First, it’s sniping rats
Then it’s videos of how
Critical Race Theory
Will be the downfall of
The American Empire
And bite size Jordan Peterson content
On how to be a man

I just want to disassociate
Isn’t that my God given right
As a citizen born on American soil?
At least that’s what a YouTube video told me

72.2024 #poem #humor #satire #pattern #youtube #algorithm

Poem 68 for 2024

Poem 68 for 2024

Poem 68

The beauty of
An awkward moment
Is that you don’t know
When it will happen
But you’ll remember it
For the rest of your life
That’s probably why
I’m a comedian

68.2014

#poem #awkward

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47 for 2024

Poem 47

Look man, here’s how
You’re going to make it
As an improviser

1. Be everyone’s biggest fan

2. Try to be cool with everyone

*Cool meaning
Kind and respectful
And not striving
To be a status seeker
That marginalizes others

3. Don’t let cliques get to you
They only have power in the spaces
Where their status is acknowledged

And outside of those spaces
They’re either defrauded as
Antisocial weirdos
People who are only funny in their one space
Or as people no one knows

4. Be nice to everyone

5. Be extra nice to the people
Who are the easiest to push aside

6. And don’t forget to be nice to yourself

7. Disrespect is going to happen
But don’t let it get to you
Disrespect always reflects more
Of the person giving it
Than the person receiving it

8. Never delude yourself
That this is all just
A big game of make believe
And an excuse to be a child again
And exercise your imagination

What I mean is
Don’t get a big head
Check your ego at the door
And be a team player

Most of the problems
I’ve seen in improv communities
Are problems of welcoming
And inclusion
And of people
Never feeling fully embraced
While constantly being encouraged
To participate more

9. Our communities run on
An economy of status

We defer to teachers, coaches
And good performers
As if they are somehow
Better people for their virtue for
Being good at improv

But that’s not always the case
And it puts an undue burden
On those people to be something
They never asked to be
It’s an adults version of
The popular kids in high school

But some people want it
Crave it, are elevated by it
Can’t live without it
And sometimes abuse it
I know I’ve committed
Some of these improv sins

10. Remind yourself
That you ain’t shit
No one owes you anything
People will treat you
How you treat them

11. I don’t know what it is
About this dumb art form
And fooling people
Into thinking they are
Better than others
All this shit does not matter

12. Have fun

13. If you’re not having fun
Stop doing it

I write about all these things to
A. remind myself not to do them (because I have)
And B. to remember how it feels to be someone
Who has been made to feel less than

47.2024 #improv #community

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38 for 2024

Poem 38

Part of being assimilated
Is accepting how I am also
Complicit in the appropriation
Of other marginalized groups’ cultures
In the purchasing of
Americanized clones of
Their traditional products
Which the Yankee version I buy
(I imagine/can imagine/I empathize/can empathize)
Must pale in comparison
To the original

That being said
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Is pretty damned good

It’s freaky delicious, actually

I can drink it instead of coffee
Not as a substitute
When I’m out of coffee
But as an active choice
Where I prefer Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
Over coffee

It’s crisp, refreshing
Spicy without being hot
Or overbearing
But spicy as in
I can taste the cinnamon
And the other ingredients
And once you add milk
A whole level of flavor
Is unlocked

But that begs the question…
Is Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai
The Taco Bell of
Chai Teas?

And no not McDonald’s
Or Carl’s Jr or Chipotle
But Taco Bell

Why Taco Bell?
Because Taco Bell
Is built on appropriation
But it’s wildly popular
With everybody

And the fact that it’s
Bastardized Mexican food
Doesn’t bother anyone
In fact, it’s an inside joke
That turns the experience
Into a guilty pleasure
For those who are even aware
Of the link between Taco Bell
And real Mexican food

Because of its wild spread adoption
(They always have it in stock)
I have to conclude that
Trader Joe’s Spiced Chai is indeed
The Taco Bell of Chai Teas

Aha! Eureka an insight!
I just realized that
Trader Joe’s business model
Is built on the appropriation
Of other cultures
Brown ones especially
So we can say that Trader Joe’s
Is the Taco Bell of groceries

And like Taco Bell
No one cares
That all the products are
Toned down versions
(Well maybe not all of them)
of the authentic, exotic ones
To fit the tastes of the American palette
(Not the brown American palette)
Which is what matters
If it tastes good, seems healthy, and cheap
Why question it

Now does that mean
I’m a hypocrite sellout fascist
Every time I go to Trader Joe’s
To get Spiced Chai?
No/Maybe/Who cares?
That’s just living in America

38.2024 #poem #chaitea #appropriation #tacobell #marginilized #assimilation #traderjoes #thesis #culturecritic #orientalism

Poem 30 for 2024

Poem 30 for 2024

Poem 30

I’ve been experiencing
So much Deja Vu lately
You think I’d be in a
Christoph Nolan film
Without the big Hollywood budget
And critical acclaim from
The New York Times

The Chicago Sun-Times said
Way more full frontal nudity
Than I expected
But now I can’t imagine
The picture without it

I didn’t take enough
Hard science classes in college or HS
To justify a Christopher Nolan plot or
Christopher Nolan esteem
That feeling of
Walking away feeling smarter
After watching one of his films
Even if you didn’t understand half of it

I did mostly history and political science
So maybe a time displacement film
By Ridley Scott
Where’s the science is vaguely addressed
And everyone takes it on faith
That time travel is a thing
My love interest can be Selena Gomez
Because we’re ethnically aligned
And we can corner the Latino market
On opening weekend

This is sounding more and more like
A time travel comedy
So let’s get rid of Ridley Scott
And let’s bring in the guy
That directed The Wedding Singer

Okay, so now it’s a
Time Travel Romantic Comedy
Starring me and Selena Gomez
Directed by Frank Coraci
With a run time of 101 minutes
Victor Bryan Olivas
Can play my best friend
Who’s a borderline offensive
Redneck cholo
With a heart of gold

Because Deja Vu
Is the central theme of this movie
And an underlying theory of Deja Vu
Is that you and a parallel version of you
Are experiencing the same moment
The movie can be about
The multiple ways the multiverse
Of Selena Gomez’s character and my character
Fall in love at the exact right time
Or do not fall in love at the wrong time

With the ending being in the beginning
And leaving no questions unanswered
The film will be cheesey and sentimental
And not be nominated for any Academy Awards
But it will make boat loads of money
Spawning other whimsical comedies
That do not require a lot of math to understand
And that all seem vaguely connected
With no deeper thought put into it

Drafting this fake movie plot
Is the only comfort
I’ve been able to give myself
Since I’ve started to experience
Repeated Deja Vu
I hope you liked it

30.2023 #poem #dejavu #comedy #satire #movie #film #christophernolan #adamsandler

Poem 27 for 2024

Poem 24 for 2024

Poem 27 for 2024

Like Campbell’s Tomato Soup
I also come in a condensed version
That you need to add water
Sometimes milk
To get the full volume
And I’m also improved
By having cheddar
Sprinkled on me when warm
And I’m best consumed
Before I get cold

27.2024 #poem #tomatosoup #humor

Poem 26 for 2023 – Blind Date with Me

Poem 26 for 2024

Poem 26

Blind Date with Me

I’m New Ethnic
It’s like New Money
But for people
Not from Europe
Colonized by people
From Europe

My short term
And long term goals
Are not to die
Preferably not die alone
(That’s why I’m on this app)

I’m emotionally unavailable
But NOT the kind of
Emotionally unavailable
Who is emotionally abusive
I’m the kind
Who struggles to be loved
So don’t love bomb me!
Ignore me
And I’ll get closer

The more you neglect me
The more I’ll chase you
Or is that what I do to others?

I have an avoidant attachment
So I interpret distance as intimacy
And wanting to get closer
As crossing my boundaries

I don’t care
About your body count
Or your exes
Or your side pieces
Or situationships
Or your hangups
Because caring for someone else
In that romantic capacity
Is really hard right now

This whole dating app experiment
Is an exercise to see
If it’s still possible to love

I’m vaccinated
I’m open to polyamory
If it’ll get you to leave me alone

I don’t want to meet your friends
For the fact that I’m not interested
In meeting them once
Putting on a front
Never seeing them again
And then having to pretend
I don’t know who they are
If I see them in public
In the future when we’re not dating

I’m going to waste your time
But you’ll for sure get a story
Maybe something to share
With your therapist
Not a traumatic one
But another example of your failure
Caused by my failure
To connect, feel, and love

The good news is after me
You’ll find someone you really like
Because next to my
Rubix Cube personality
Any other guy will seem amazing

I’m weird in ways
That are not endearing
Yet pitiful in a way that is charming
And admirable in a way
That is disarming

You’re going to like me (a lot)
That’s why you’re going to be disappointed
When you find out you can’t love me
Not because you’re unable to
But because I won’t let you love me

I’m a broken kaleidoscope
A cracked rainbow
A crescent moon wanting to be full
I’m not whole
Because the holes inside of me
Is where the wind passed by
To make music
It’s just that my being
Sings a sad, sad song

If you ask me out to dinner
You pay

26.2024 #poem #blinddate #humor #satire #love

Poem 21 for 2023

Poem 21 for 2024

Poem 21

I wish I had
A cool nick name
Like Pepper Jack
But my name’s already Fernando
Which is wild enough
For most people to remember
On their first time meeting me
Even in Latin America
Maybe I’m the wild one
Worth remembering
And Fernando is
Just the tag that goes along with it

21.2023 #poem #food #name #identity

Poem 6 for 2023

Poem 6 for 2023

Poem 6

In improv
We say
Got your back
Before a show
To show support

Well few people
Have had my back
Like you, brother

You’ve literally
Fed me
And sheltered me
And counseled me

You’ve been with me
On top of the mountain
And you’ve walked through
Many valleys with me

You’re one of
The funniest dudes I know
One of the hardest workers
A problem solver
And innovator
And just an overall great guy
A man of passion
And integrity
And character
And immese creativity

Thanks for always being there
And having my back

Love you, brother

Happy Birthday
Victor Bryan Olivas

#improv

Poem 335 for 2023

Poem 335 for 2023

Poem 335

Being from the cultural boonies
There weren’t a lot of ways
For me to express myself
Growing up

I mean there was culture
But it was wrapped
In the church
And the immigrant experience
Which amounts to
A very localized nationalism
Where your school, family
Little league team, and what have you
Are the most important things
In the world

The closest thing
We had to theater
Was Mass
Which is like theater
But with severe consequences

Mass was mostly boring
But once I became an altar boy
And I was a terrible altar boy
It got interesting
Because now there were stakes

Honestly, they just needed a big kid
To carry the big golden cross
For The Good Friday Mass
Every Easter Weekend

This thing was as long as a shovel
Weighed as much as
40 aluminum baseball bats
And had the power of God
I’d have to carry it in front of my chest
When we’d do The Stations Of The Cross

The story of how Jesus was crucified
Through 14 agonizing beats
Walking 5 feet at a time
All across the church
Standing front and center
Flanked by two smaller altar boys
And the priest leading everyone
Through the brutal story
Of how Jesus died for our sins

I never dropped it
Steely eyed and composed
All eyes on me
I held that thing for 45 minutes, an hour
I don’t know
It was forever go
And I haven’t been back since
It was probably my first adrenaline rush

But hey it was good!
It was a packed house
Attention from all corners
People had to look at me
It was a sweet deal
I was supporting
The no.1 baby face: Jesus

Maybe having people
Stare at me for an hour
Was good preparation
For being the performer I am now

There’s so many parallels
Between mass and a sketch show
Sketch shows copied
Their structures from Vaudeville
And I wonder if Vaudeville
Just copied the Mass
Or other religious rituals
For their shows

Theater has become my religion
And the cross I carry every day
Is being broke and unappreciated
I want to sell out so bad
Maybe I can die for a weekend
And come back to life three days later
As a huge baby face
And feud with the Devil and Death
That’s where you make the real money

335.2023 #poem #mass #theater #cross #catholic #improv #sketch #soul #immigrant #religion